Category Archives: Confessions of a failed…

Confessions of a failed…sandwich board person who stands on the street corner bothering people

Alas. All is lost. I sit here with shoulders slumped and off-brand tissue in hand to confess to you, with sincere regret, my failings as a…sandwich board person who stands on the corner bothering people.

1) I rarely put the sandwich board on the proper way, if at all. Often, it’s backwards so the only advertising that is going on is toward my stomach and back. Neither can read.

2) The times I forget to wear the sandwich board, I don’t realize until my 16 hour shift is over. I often get tickets for loitering as I am simply walking back and along the same stretch of street.

3) Sometimes people like to have fun with me and so they throw things like eggs and tomatoes and poo at the board. One day, I walked around thinking I had messed myself because someone pooped (that’s my term for it) my back board and I didn’t even feel it.

4) I’ve learned how to sleep standing up and also how to sleep while walking. I consider it a failure if I don’t spend at least 3 to 4 hours of my shift asleep.

5) One shift I didn’t keep a constant smile. I was scolded, however, the whip only hit my calloused shoulders so it didn’t hurt.

6) One time I was early and worked late and I wore the sandwich board the correct way and no one egged or pooped me, but the board was for the wrong store. It was a particularly bad scolding that day.

Thank you for listening.

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Confessions of a failed…Idiot.

Alas. All is lost. I sit here with shoulders slumped and off-brand tissue in hand to confess to you, with sincere regret, my failings as an Idiot.

1) I realized too late in the Idiot Game that my IQ is far to high to actually be an idiot. This is probably my number one failure. That is why I put it as number one on the list.

2) When attempting to do idiotic things I found I would, in fact, as natural as a blink, do the exact opposite of what would be considered idiotic. It was frustrating.

3) I entered a contest to see who was the biggest idiot and I lost. This pretty much says it all right there.

4) I wrote a book called, “I am an Idiot” and no one would publish it, thus, displaying that no one believed me to be an idiot and therefore thus, I must not be one.

5) I put my underwear on the correct way 5 out of 7 days of the week, although these days are not consistent. An idiot would make it consistent.

6) I took the R.E.M. song, Losing My Religion, figuratively NOT literally. Just think about all those idiots out there that lost their religion because Michael Stipe told them too! Phew.

7) I ran an entire marathon backwards in the opposite direction, not like those fucking idiot sheep who need to follow the crowd.

8) When I get my coffee in the morning from the cafe near my house I always pocket all of the sugars and sweeteners because only an idiot would leave free stuff behind. Everyone hears me on this one right???

9) I will never for the life of me, or anyone else, understand the merits of participation ribbons for children. Children have enough already (youth, the benefit of the doubt, charities) and we have to give them a ribbon that celebrates they participated? I brought this up to a group of parents at a playground once and they all looked at me with their mouths agape and scowling to eternity…like a bunch of idiots. It’s as though they’d never thought of it. Rewarding participation? Come ON!

10) Finally, I watched that episode of The Simpsons where it’s revealed that Mr. Burns has ever disease known to humans. So – greatest plan ever – I’m never washing my hands, having protected sex, eating fresh food, going to the doctor, going to the dentist, or participating in any hygienic routines or regimes ever again! This way, once I contract the same disease roster as Mr. Burns, I will be virtually immortal. Yup. Greatest. And. Smartest. Plan. Ever.


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