There is something to be said about walking into your childhood home and seeing your Mom’s freckled ass being pounded by your Dad’s wrinkled balls as she hand services Santa Claus with vim and vigour. It screams Noél. In fact, that was what she screamed when she saw my sister Tess, my brother Luke, and myself standing at the entrance to the living room, bags in hand and mouths as agape as Mom’s was a few seconds earlier.
It was Noel, our father’s name, she actually screamed, but that was only after Luke greeted the scene.
“Merry fucking Christmas! Literally. I hope that’s egg nog on Santa’s beard,” Luke said.
“Well, this is inconvenient,” Tess whispered. It was her favourite saying.
I just stood and took it in, awed that Santa Claus was real and he was in a threeway with my sixty five year-old, and surprisingly agile parents. My dreams were squashed when in the kerfuffle to cover up and deboner, his beard was torn off to reveal him as Pastor Jerry from my parents’ church. Better my parents Noel and Carol than some forlorn kid I guess.
It really was our fault – the whole walking in on the smallest form of gang bang – as we weren’t supposed to arrive until the 24th. Tess had the idea to surprise them a day earlier, just the three of us, and then our significant others, with the kids, would follow the next day.
Luke was harsh on Tess after we hastily arrived and set up in our town’s one motel in the last available room. It didn’t help that Judy, the motel owner and Mom’s good friend, asked how our parents were doing when we checked in. We said they were fine and shuffled off to room 107.
“I don’t know Judy, how do you think they are? You and Mom 69’d lately? Fuck Tess, great idea!” Luke said.
He cracked into one of the bottles of wine he had brought for what was meant to be the surprise dinner of reminiscing, just the five of us, about Christmas pasts, before our parents annual December 23rd Christmas party.
“Luke. How was I to know Mom and Dad were swingers? Seriously!” Tess said.
“Whoa,” I said. “Who said they were swingers? Maybe they just have a thing with Jerry?”
“Who fucking cares? Jerry baptized us! The hands that poured that unholy water over our heads when we were babies were just around the back of Mom’s head pulling – ”
“Okay Luke! Stop!” I said, gagging at the scene I knew I would never be able to erase.
“Tess, you talk to them more than we do,” Luke said. He took another big swig.
“And what? You think this would come up? Hey Mom, added anyone to the bedroom lately? Pete and I were thinking about it so…”
“Guys,” I said. “We really need to figure out a plan for this. Tess, you can’t just call Pete, and Luke, you can’t just call Mel, and I can’t just call Nina, and say don’t come, Christmas is cancelled”
“Why not? Pastor Jerry came enough for everyone, I’m sure. Not to mention that Judy twat,” Luke said.
“Okay. I have eleven missed calls from Mom,” Tess said.
Luke and I checked our phones and found similar counts from our parents’ home number and their cell phones.
I took the wine from Luke and swigged large and then handed it to Tess who did the same. Tess then pressed a couple buttons on her phone and the message started.
“Hi honey,” it was our Mom. “I know that wasn’t how you all intended to start Christmas this year, and I am sorry you witnessed what you did. Please call us. We are all adults and we obviously need to talk. At the very least, we hope you are coming to the party tonight.”
“The party? Remember when we were really young and we would go to bed at like nine at night? Do you think it turned into a middle-aged fuckfest? How many times have I shaken one of Mom or Dad’s friend’s hands and inadvertently touched my own Dad’s dick?” Luke said, placing his face in his hands. “Ah!” he said, tearing them away and staring at them in horror.
“Luke, pretty much every hand you’ve ever shaken has had a dick in it,” Tess said putting her palms up toward him. “Even these babies.”
“Lovely,” I said.
We showed up at the party a little later than its 7:00pm start time to assure that it wouldn’t just be us and our parents. Other people would help break the ice. We also decided it was right for us to go as it would help when our families arrived the next day.
As we entered, a few of our parents’ friends in the immediate area greeted us with big hugs and questions about how our lives were going. We answered with as few words as possible in order to make the fastest route to the bar area and take as much of the edge off as was possible without making a scene.
Some of our high school friends were there and so after a few drinks we split up and engaged with them.
“Kids? You actually had kids? I remember you said you wished you were born without a uterus so you knew for sure you would never have kids,” I overheard one of Tess’ old boyfriends say. If I remembered correctly she said this the same night she broke up with him and told me the story when she got home. She said that the only reason she said that was because she didn’t want kids with him.
Luke sneered in disgust when we entered the party, but the drinks seemed to help turn that into a smile. He was chatting with one of his football buddies, probably about some stupid prank they pulled or some girl one or both slept with.
I chatted with a couple people but wasn’t feeling very social, as every time one of my parents’ friends came into view I couldn’t help but picture them naked, which prompted another sip from my beer. It was as though I was an extra in “Cocoon 3: The Orgy.”
Thankfully, when I didn’t think I could take it anymore, Luke and Tess approached and we reconvened.
“I’m kind of drunk,” Tess said.
“Yup, I’m getting there,” I said.
“Honestly, it’s probably the booze talking for me,” Luke started at a volume that caught the eyes of some people, “but good for all these soon to be geriatric fucks with all the fucking each other and stuff. I hope Dad takes a dick every now and then as well. Why not? You only live to fuck once! Carpe dick’em you weirdos! Cheers to your Fogie Fuck Fest ’15 later tonight!”
When he finished, the music had stopped and everyone was staring at him.
I looked down at my feet.
“Well, this is inconvenient,” Tess said, before downing the rest of her drink.