“Maybe This Christmas”

(c) Katie Mattiuz 2015

(c) Katie Mattiuz 2015

Dear Not Diary,

I can’t call this a diary because it isn’t bound and it is more just a memo to myself than anything. I am Beatrice Whitman and it is December 2nd, 2015, and I am going to turn 35 on December 25th, 2015, and I have just spent the better part of last night and this morning thinking about turning 35 and going into another Christmas alone “by myself.” Alone sounds so lonely, and “by myself” sounds lonely also, but I’m not alone. I have family, and friends, and I am generally happy with the state of things. I think at least.

But I am alone and the thought of going and sitting at my family’s Christmas dinner with their judging eyes glaring at me isn’t wonderful. Granted they are supportive, but even when they pass me the roasted potatoes with warmth, I know they are thinking, “What the hell is wrong with you Bea, and why are you still bartending and trying to be a poet? Get your shit together.”

I love writing poetry, so eff you guys! I like myself, so eff you guys again! Just because you guys are all with people and have families and cars and all that crap doesn’t mean that you are happy! If you all want, I can start doing things the opposite of how I’ve been doing them? What if I just live my life entirely in the opposite? I’m going to stop washing myself, and doing laundry, and brushing my teeth, and writing anything. Then, I will obviously stumble into a house, and car, and husband or wife, and then my kids will just pop out of nowhere and I’m sure a dog will rock up to the party at some point. Then we can all hang out on my uncomfortable but expensive sofa and do barbeques in the backyard.

Jesus Bea. You sound angry. Maybe you are angry though? Maybe this Christmas and birthday you should think about working on that?

I am going to work on that.

Okay, Not Diary, full disclosure. I just went for a long walk after a long shower, and I love long showers so I’m not going to give that up. I also just watched Charlie Brown Christmas (THE BEST EVER!), and put up my replica Charlie Brown Christmas tree and that made me feel better. But I do feel I need to change some things. I need to “be the change I want to see in the world.” How Chuck and Gandhi relate – though I heard Gandhi never actually said this – I have no idea, and that is probably something I need to examine: my weird brain leaps. Maybe because if dear old Charlie Brown decided to not trust Lucy every time with the football, he could change himself or something or other.

So this year, this Christmas, and this birthday I will be it and feel it. I will feel the change in the world and myself.

Some random ideas that popped in my head somewhere along the Yonge Street stretch between College and Queen:

1) I am going to drop random Christmas Cards in people’s mail boxes with kind words and salutations. Who doesn’t like a random holiday greeting from a stranger?

2) I am going to offer my services as a personal shopper. Who likes trudging through malls during the crazy holiday rush? Never fear, Bea your personal shopper, is here!

3) Cookies. I like to bake in between writing stuff, so why the hell not put that to good use and make awesome cookies to drop off around the city?

4) Volunteer at places. Life is time and time is life so donating my time is like donating part of my life.

5) Be more engaged in people’s lives. I should probably spend less time in my head projecting thoughts into my family members’ heads and actually talk to people. It’s time to pick up the phone and see what’s up!

6) Smile at people and say hello to random strangers. I did this a couple times on my walk, and while the people looked at me like I was a world-class idiot, it made me feel good, so whatever.

Okay, I feel like this is a pretty solid list so far.

I have 23 days to be some kind of change I want to see in myself and maybe…maybe stuff will be different.

Dear Future Beatrice: Read this in 23 days while having a glass of wine and tell me how it went!

Past Beatrice


About jtkwriting

Writer living in Toronto. "Sneak out of your window darling, let's live like outlaws honey." View all posts by jtkwriting

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