Alas. All is lost. I sit here with shoulders slumped and off-brand tissue in hand to confess to you, with sincere regret, my failings as a…sandwich board person who stands on the corner bothering people.
1) I rarely put the sandwich board on the proper way, if at all. Often, it’s backwards so the only advertising that is going on is toward my stomach and back. Neither can read.
2) The times I forget to wear the sandwich board, I don’t realize until my 16 hour shift is over. I often get tickets for loitering as I am simply walking back and along the same stretch of street.
3) Sometimes people like to have fun with me and so they throw things like eggs and tomatoes and poo at the board. One day, I walked around thinking I had messed myself because someone pooped (that’s my term for it) my back board and I didn’t even feel it.
4) I’ve learned how to sleep standing up and also how to sleep while walking. I consider it a failure if I don’t spend at least 3 to 4 hours of my shift asleep.
5) One shift I didn’t keep a constant smile. I was scolded, however, the whip only hit my calloused shoulders so it didn’t hurt.
6) One time I was early and worked late and I wore the sandwich board the correct way and no one egged or pooped me, but the board was for the wrong store. It was a particularly bad scolding that day.
Thank you for listening.