How did I go from being a run-of-the-mill 30 year-old asshole to a contract killer?
After that first morning, I was moved to a non-descript apartment and every day for two months driven blind-folded to my “training” wherein I was taught how to use the variety of instruments I was told I would need. The first few days were shocking as I still had no idea what was actually happening. By the end of “training” I had resigned myself to the fact that this was now my life and for you to keep having one I must obey my captors, however, that word, captors, is true in a hollow sense.
Terrance set up a meticulous system for every job. After “training” I was left alone and my only correspondence was through mail. I would receive a package containing a burner phone and phone number, a time, two addresses, a kill by date, a picture and an envelope of cash. The first address belonged to my future victim, the second came with a key and it was my new apartment. After every job I would be forced to relocate under threat of exposure and I would send a blank text to the number provided and dispose of the phone and my clothes. I would return the weaponry provided to where I retrieved it and be left with only the key and the address to my new home, where a new phone and all of the bare essentials would be waiting, and where I would wait for my next package. I would never see anyone responsible, nor did I have any desire to discover them. I was told my unsigned “contract” consisted of 50 jobs, with no timeline. The majority of my time would be spent waiting.
Waiting, not hoping or dreaming, but waiting and anticipating I found is not a way to live. I’m sure this is also a truth for those who have ultimate freedom with respect to how they spend their life. I was allowed to leave my various “homes” but felt contact and relationships were not in the best interest of anyone involved, especially those I would be in contact with. I feared it would create even more leverage for Terrance. I would frequent some of the same cafes, restaurants and bars in whatever area I was located, but never return once a job was done. Even when I wished to expand or continue the small connections I had made with a barista or bartender at certain places, I would force myself to shift focus to the anticipation of the next job and the reality of my life to quash any possibility of drawing anyone closer to me than need be.
John Donne wrote, “No (hu)man is an island, entire of itself,” and the gist of his poem, at least my take away, is that ultimately we are all connected. We all should be connected. Before this fiasco, when I had opportunities to connect with others, I feel I took advantage to the best of my ability. I have few regrets when it comes to this. I have had a lot of time to think and had I known that my life would take the turn it did, I don’t feel I would have made some grand gesture with respect to human connection. That’s easy to say, of course, because the past is not a piece of art I can amend or edit, but I do feel I did the best I could. My thoughts are drawn to people that have no external limitations yet place themselves into situations where they fashion themselves a shipwrecked lone survivor. There is definitely something to be said about being content and happy with your own company as you are the person that you ultimately spend the most time with, however, eschewing deep human contact and interaction due to fear, will, in the end, have harmful consequences for you and the world. Again, this comes from me, someone forced to stay just outside the perimeter of the world.
I’m sure you see where this is leading: my hopes for you, of course. And one of those is that you have immersed yourself in the world, in every experience that could have been had, and in everyone who wanted to invest their time in you, with no negative intention. I hope you chose to accept that investment and make one of your own.
Death is the ultimate truth. It is the one experience we will all share, but never be able to share our own direct experience with it. All that we have before death is time and I hope you have spent yours exploring and experiencing and looking back only to learn what you need to move forward and into your life. I’m sure someone said it at some time with more eloquence, but with life, death is the inevitability and time is the enemy. Instead of anticipating the former, I hope you have and continue to embrace and use the latter to live.