Alas. All is lost. I sit here with shoulders slumped and off-brand tissue in hand to confess to you, with sincere regret, my failings as an Idiot.
1) I realized too late in the Idiot Game that my IQ is far to high to actually be an idiot. This is probably my number one failure. That is why I put it as number one on the list.
2) When attempting to do idiotic things I found I would, in fact, as natural as a blink, do the exact opposite of what would be considered idiotic. It was frustrating.
3) I entered a contest to see who was the biggest idiot and I lost. This pretty much says it all right there.
4) I wrote a book called, “I am an Idiot” and no one would publish it, thus, displaying that no one believed me to be an idiot and therefore thus, I must not be one.
5) I put my underwear on the correct way 5 out of 7 days of the week, although these days are not consistent. An idiot would make it consistent.
6) I took the R.E.M. song, Losing My Religion, figuratively NOT literally. Just think about all those idiots out there that lost their religion because Michael Stipe told them too! Phew.
7) I ran an entire marathon backwards in the opposite direction, not like those fucking idiot sheep who need to follow the crowd.
8) When I get my coffee in the morning from the cafe near my house I always pocket all of the sugars and sweeteners because only an idiot would leave free stuff behind. Everyone hears me on this one right???
9) I will never for the life of me, or anyone else, understand the merits of participation ribbons for children. Children have enough already (youth, the benefit of the doubt, charities) and we have to give them a ribbon that celebrates they participated? I brought this up to a group of parents at a playground once and they all looked at me with their mouths agape and scowling to eternity…like a bunch of idiots. It’s as though they’d never thought of it. Rewarding participation? Come ON!
10) Finally, I watched that episode of The Simpsons where it’s revealed that Mr. Burns has ever disease known to humans. So – greatest plan ever – I’m never washing my hands, having protected sex, eating fresh food, going to the doctor, going to the dentist, or participating in any hygienic routines or regimes ever again! This way, once I contract the same disease roster as Mr. Burns, I will be virtually immortal. Yup. Greatest. And. Smartest. Plan. Ever.